Nets behind

 How do you leave something you've worked for?  How do you not feel bad for breaking off relationships that you had hoped would go deeper?  Tot seemed like the. At I had been holding was t catching anything. I had prayed for baptisms in 2020. I had hoped to develop discipling relationships with fellow attendees but who would be on my list of potentials?  I had hoped to go deeper with the leader but it always seemed one way. Stated concerns and prayer requests were met with the deer in the headlight look. “Call me if you need anything” was the mantra by many. 

And he said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” Immediately they left their nets and followed him.  --Matthew 4:19,20

Rooted question - How can I make the most of my life?  The awaken devo says that we are on call, and must be ready to respond. I do not want to lulled to sleep, thinking that we are on a cruise ship to Heaven. We are to seek His kingdom, searching for where He is working, planting and watering for a harvest that is to come. 

No need to reply. I need to apologize for hurting you with my prideful heart, and for distancing myself. I’ve thought long and hard about my choice to take a break from LFF (prior to making the actual decision). I can see that I’ve thought too much of myself in teaching Sunday School, being on the MLT, and the way others have perceived me. I’ve worried that if I died sooner than Sandy, she would be left to deal with the animosity I’ve created for myself. 

In addition, I think I mentioned to you nearly three years ago that the evil one was attacking me with an immense amount of uncertainty for the future, especially when Sandy spent several days in the hospital. That dark cloud of attack has come and gone abut I know that same evil is lurking for me. 

I’m sorry that I have hurt you with my decision to do something different with church. I do not want broken relationships, especially with you. I’m restless to disciple, to grow in love, and encourage others to be leaders. But it’s as if there are iron clad doors to make that happen for me at LFF. The only logical reason is that the blame is on me. I feel that I do not fit, or measure up to the standards as I perceive them. 

I’m asking for forgiveness for hurting you. I’ve supported you from the beginning, Paul, and I feel like I’m letting you down.  It’s me that has changed but I don’t know where that is leading me. 

I recently read “And he said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” Immediately they left their nets and followed him.”  --Matthew 4:19,20. The question was asked in the study, “What nets so you need to leave behind?”  I want to follow Christ and I’m asking that He lead me. I have just a few years left in my life, and I want to allow Him to maximize that time. 

I’m summary, I will continue to pray for you. 

Father, You know every detail of our lives. You know my frustrations, disappointments and discouragement. Yet I acknowledge Your presence and leading in my heart. Please protect Paul from disappointment and discouragement as well. Deepen his love for You that he will lead LFF well into the future. Give him wisdom to help each person he engages with, pointing them to Jesus. May he deepen his desire to give You all glory and credit for whatever accomplishments he has.  Enable him to be a disciple making pastor, building up eternal investments in the lives of others. In the powerful name of Jesus, amen.