Be at Peace

I have a couple of questions for you, Paul. I don’t like to dialogue by text because it is so easy to be misunderstood. I do not like to gossip because of  the evil consequences that can happen, and I HATE confrontation. I’m sorry to take so long in answering the questions you asked but I tried to be honest. 

But…. Hebrews 12:14 — Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. ANd….Hebrews 12:15 - See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;

Proverbs 27:17 - Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

I want to be at peace with you, Paul, and those who have a distaste for my presence at LFF.  I do not want bitterness to take root between us.  Sometimes sparks fly during the sharpening of brothers.

My frustrations at LFF are all related to my disappointment and discouragement with relationships and how LFF has changed. But I recognize that maybe I’ve changed far more than LFF had changed.  It is very difficult to simplify my comments in a text or in one face to face conversation. My prideful opinions and arrogance have been obvious by others far more than I’ve acknowledged in myself.  I’ve been driven to be someone I thought God wanted me to be.  I was wrong and I want to correct my path. I want to be called by the Spirit, not self driven.   I became a stumbling block to you, to LFF attendees and who knows how many people.

I’ve tried to be honest in my answers to you, but PLEASE  tell me other ways I can and should change.  I do not want to be blind to my drivenness and other ways I have offended you and others. I know that you cannot answer for anyone but yourself, but I want to surrender my selfishness to our Lord.  He loves you and me far more than we can ever imagine.  I will give an account for the way I’ve acted with you, and I do not want you to be embittered against me for my sin which is blind to me. I’m my own worst enemy for sure, and evil can take root, even with good intentions. Compassion should never be at odds with biblical convictions. My biggest enemy to growing in Christ is myself.  

One issue I’m confused about is why the field of counseling is looked down upon by many at LFF.  . I’ve attempted to approach the subject with you while kayaking but sensed animosity to the field of counseling. I know a short answer is not possible but I sense a disdain by several at LFF toward counselors as compromised Christians.

I’ve been divisive and prideful with what I’ve thought is the right way to live in our world, in my career as an educator, passionate about discipleship, mentoring, and encouraging the study of scriptures. I have always felt it important to take a stand in my life against certain behaviors and for other types of behaviors.  My life is far more conservative than most church goers in any church, far more conservative than most parents and grandparents, yet I thought I have been accepting of diverse views. I’ve evidently NOT communicated myself well in the LFF setting.   

I know that I am hypersensitive to a lot of issues, based on my counseling experiences with people, and by working my whole life in the public schools. I am hypertensive to the many who are trying to dismantle public education in Nebraska and elsewhere, all networked and financed by the same individuals who would love to politicize the church, away from the Great Commission. I’ve tried to engage the non-church going and church going students in my life to study the Bible.  It is possible to influence the general public to love our Lord and I feel slapped in the face by church goers for trying.  I’m hypersensitive to the those who take advantage of the victimized and unsuspecting.  Sin has taken root in unseen ways to make all of us divided and confrontational. 

I’m sorry that I’ve been hurtful to the church and to you, but I want to be more effective with open eyes and ears to what God wants to show me. God willing, I have a few short years left to participate in what God is doing this side of His return.  I do not want to be side tracked with petty issues.  You asked what you have done wrong in the way you have treated me. Now,  PLEASE tell me how I need to change. What has caused you to withdraw from me over the last couple of years?  After all, we have spent quite a bit of time together until … whatever drifted in between us.  As the leader and point man in the church, you have seen the way I’ve interacted with others and have greater insight than anyone.  You have the big picture of the church far better than most.  Why do people dismiss me as irrelevant, suspicious of my intentions, and mock me to my face?  I’m confused.  

Sometime ago, while Sandy was so ill at UNMC, I shared with you afterwards that I felt Satan was attacking. Evil is still hurling billets.  “ Once you realize that you are in a spiritual battle with the forces of evil, you will become very sensitive to sin’s attempts to conquer you. In a war, only a fool is not on constant alert for the enemy.”  - Tony Evans  

“Stepping up” in your spiritual life often begins with “kneeling down."  - Tony Evans

An article well worth reading “Loving Enough to Confront” by Pastor Bob Russel prompts me to ask you to be honest with me: https://bobrussell.org/love-enough-to-confront/

Again, I’m not asking for any approval rating or popularity award.  I surrender my selfish ambitions to our Savior who wants to transform me, not to conform to any cultural or church standard. I want to rid myself of any idols of selfish ambition or selfish kingdom building.  When all is said and done, you and I will fall on our knees to worship our Lord.

I’m anxiously awaiting your insight.  

—-////

Thank you for your quick response, Paul. I’m full of remorse in offending you regarding my home school rant. I’ve been immersed in seeing the all out assault on our public school system from all sides, nationally, in Nebraska and locally. The assault is an all out war by a network of highly financed individuals working together to dismantle what I love about our nation. But….I recognize and respect each parent to do what they feel is right for their family and son jut condemn you for doing a great job and doe what you will do with your family. I’m sorry for saying what could be a label for all home school families. As I had indicated, I’ve been through the Bill Gothard training and could see what has become a national network. I know of several home school families who do a great job and I’ve worked with some, supplying materials and support. I am hyper sensitive but have taken several hits by those assaulting what I love and have worked for. Each time another conversation happens on this issue, my emotional response is not healthy for anyone.

I’m sorry for unloading on you in written form, but I know my temptation to mention several people’s names and I do not want to bash individuals with you  I hope and pray that my comments give you a greater understanding of my search for wisdom in a chaotic noisy world, including local church groups - LFF and many more.

Thank you for your kind words regarding our marriage and with your disagreement towards my arrogance and self righteousness. But…God knows my heart and I want to correct what my attitude has been and obviously continues. I am very flawed and need correction. My depravity and darkness of the heart is a great offense. Perhaps God will give me grace and wisdom to do a better job in communicating with others. 

Again, I know that my views are far more conservative than most church goers. Regarding alcohol use, I know that very few today agree with me. But having been trained through numerous drug and alcohol prevention programs and having worked with the Nebraska Council on Alcohol, I know my views cause people to push back. I mistakenly think others should uphold what I think is important  I’m wrong.  

I appreciate the difficult role you have as pastor. Not that I fully understand, but when I had a private counseling practice, I had clients that were pastors and had several clients referred to me by pastors. I appreciate the fact that being a friend of Job is a fear. Most of us simply need a pastor who walks along side our struggles, simply saying that I’m here with you, or ‘how are you doing’, no matter how flawed and difficult we are.

As I’ve changed the past few years, I sense greater spiritual warfare happening (which has always happening - I’m just more aware). Our culture is changing rapidly and the church in general is asleep. I do not want to be asleep.  I do not want to spend the next ten years or how ever many I have left with fellow church goers who walk away from me every single time. This no reflection on you but each episode amplifies my frustration. I should not expect anyone to care about my battle when I’ve been the problem. 

 I’ve become very restless with this battle and want to have my eyes and ears open to what God wants me to see. I want to participate in His glory and not sit in the pew nor be a divisive factor nor foolish. With such stark warnings by the apostle Paul regarding division, I do not want to be a stumbling block. 

Thank you for the paper on counseling.  Again, I’ve assumed far too much and should have asked you more specific questions.  I appreciate your concerns regarding many counselors who have a secular viewpoint.  But there are several counselors in private practice who have a Biblical approach, and have GI e tk Greta lengths to bee trained in Biblical counseling.  It is difficult to know who has an approach that is untainted by the world.  Perhaps it is a failure to communicate their view, but I urge you to consider that there are counselors who are well trained yet are in line with the Bible.  Several seminaries train their students well.  I fear the view you hold in the paper is the same toward me as an educator in the public school, as untrustworthy.

I appreciate your time in listening to my restless quandary.  I can’t express how restless I am to be a better Christ follower.  I want to do better in how I communicate with you, Paul. I know I have caused sparks to fly between us, but trust that my difficulties will result in greater sensitivity to the issues confronting both of us in a crazy world. God is calling us to live a high standard of moral integrity and I want to do better.

Praying- God, I forgive each person I’ve held a grudge against at LFF: the people who’ve caused me pain … the people who’ve wronged and betrayed me, who have mocked my presence, and for their rejection. Please forgive me for being a stumbling block, for getting in their way.  I forgive them, I want to continually forgive them, because You forgave me. Please bless each one of them, Lord. Transform each life and bless them like You have blessed me. Empower each one to trust you fully and prevent me from being another stumbling block to their growth in Your love. Please forgive me for thinking my lifestyle is best, judging others for the way they live life. Forgive my stubborn pride and hurtful attitude with Paul. Empower him to overlook my offenses yet supply him with generous wisdom as he lives each day for you. Allow him to deepen his love for You, preventing him to be sidetracked by how I’ve hurt him. In Jesus’ name, Amen

"The dark night is God’s attack on religion. If you genuinely desire union with the unspeakable love of God, then you must be prepared to have your 'religious' world shattered. If you think devotional practices, theological insights, even charitable actions give you some sort of purchase on God, you are still playing games."

— Rowan Williams, A Ray of Darkness